Three lawyers and three engineers were travelling by train to a conference.
At the station, each lawyer bought a ticket whereas the engineers bought
only one ticket between them.
‘How are you going to travel on a single ticket?’ asked a lawyer.
‘Wait and watch,’ answered one of the engineers.
When they boarded the train, the lawyers took their seats, but the thre e
engineers crammed into a toilet and closed the door behind them. Shortly
after the train started, the ticket collector arrived. He knocked on the toilet
door and asked, ‘Ticket please.’ The door opened just a crack and a single
arm emerged with a ticket in hand. The ticket collector took it and moved
on. Seeing this, the lawyers decided to the same thing on the return trip.
So when they got to the station, they bought only one ticket. To their
astonishment, the engineers didn’t buy any. ‘How are you going to travel
without a ticket?’ asked one of the perplexed lawyers.
‘Wait and watch,’ answered an engineer.
In the train, the three engineers crammed into a toilet and the three lawyers
into another nearby. Soon after the train started, one of the engineers got out
of the toilet and walked to one where the lawyers were hiding.
He knocked on the door and said, ‘Ticket, please.’
Maid: What do you want, sir?
Visitor: I want to see your master.
Maid: What’s your business, please?
Visitor: There is a bill...
Maid: Ah! He left yesterday for his village...
Visitor: Which I have to pay him...
Maid: And he returned this morning.
Men who treat women as helpless and charming playthings deserve women
who treat men as delightful and generous bank accounts.
wqw
Aforeign tourist hired a guide to take him around Delhi and Agra. At the
Red Fort at Delhi, he admired the architecture and asked how many years it
took to build.
“Twenty years,” replied the guide.
‘You Indians are a lazy lot,” the tourist said. “In my country, this could have
been built in five.’
At Agra he admired the Taj’s beauty and asked how many years it took to
build.
‘Only ten years,’ said the guide.
The tourist retorted: ‘You Indians are slow! We can construct such buildings
in two-and-a-half.’
In this fashion the tourist claimed that every building he admired could have
been built in his country in quarter the time. Finally, when they reached the
Qutab Minar, and the tourist asked what it was, the guide replied: ‘I don’t
know. It wasn’t there yesterday evening.”
Overheard at the veterinarian’s: ‘I had my cat neutered. He’s still out all
night with the other cats, but now he’s a consultant.’
When an efficient secretary asked her boss for a raise in her salary, he
turned her down, saying: ‘Your salary is already higher than that of the
secretary at the next desk. And she has five children.’
‘Excuse me,’ the efficient woman replied, ‘I thought we got paid for what we
produce here—not for what we produce at home in our own time.’
Asmall farm boy was milking his cow when all of a sudden a bull came
charging towards him. As horrified workers nearby watched, the boy calmly
continued his milking.
To everyone’s astonishment, the bull stopped a few inches from the boy,
turned around and walked away . ‘Weren’t you afraid?’ one of the workers
asked the boy.
‘Not at all,’ the boy replied , ‘I knew this cow was his mother-in-law.’
Apatient complains to a famous psychologist: ‘Professor, I’ve been having
terrible obsessions for years, and no one has ever been able to help me.’
‘Who’s been treating you until now?’
‘Dr Lal Rathor.‘
‘I see. He’s an idiot. I’m curious to know what he advised you to do.’
‘To come and see you.’
Overheard: I can say one good thing about airline food: at least they’re
considerate enough to give you only small portions.
Two terrorists were driving to the location where they intended to plant a
bomb, which one of them had in his lap.
‘Drive a little faster, the bomb may go off any minute,’ said the man carrying
the explosive.
‘Don’t worry,’ the driver assured him, ‘we have got a spare one in the boot.’
Boy to mother: I’ve decided to stop studying.’
‘How come?’ asked the mother.
‘I heard that that someone was shot dead, because he knew too much.’
For their first anniversary, a man bought his young wife a cell phone. She
was thrilled and listened eagerly as he explained all its features. The next
day she was out shopping when the phone rang.
‘Hey, darling,’ he husband said. ‘How do you like your new phone?’
‘Oh, I just love it!’ she gushed. ‘It’s so cute and small—and your voice sounds
so clear. But there’s just one thing I don’t understand.’
‘What’s that?’
‘How did you know I was at the sari shop?’
Husband and wife were in the midst of a violent quarrel, and hubby was
losing his temper. ‘Be careful,’ he said to his wife. ‘You’ll bring out the beast
in me.’
‘So what?’ his wife shot back. ‘Who’s afraid of a mouse?’
Aman was driving well above the speed limit when a police car suddenly
emerged from behind, sirens blaring. Thinking he’d outpace the cop, the
man pushed his accelerator to the floor. His car’s speed rose to sixty, then
seventy, eighty, and ninety. Finally, the man thought, what the heck, and
pulled over, ready to receive a speeding ticket.
The police officer got out, leaned over the man and said: ‘Listen, Mister, I
have had a really lousy day, and I just want to go home. Give me a good
excuse and I’ll let you go.’
The man thought for a moment and said: ‘Three weeks ago my wife ran off
with a police officer. When I saw your car in my mirror, I thought you were
that officer and were trying to give her back to me.’
No ticket.
Late one night, a mugger wearing a ski mask jumped into the path of a
well-dressed man and stuck a gun in his ribs. ‘Give me your money,’ he
demanded.
Indignant, the affluent man replied, ‘You can’t do this—I’m a politician!’
‘In that case,’ replied the robber, ‘give me my money!’
An American visiting England walked into a hotel lobby. ‘The lift will be
down presently,’ the receptionist told him.
‘The lift?’ said the American. ‘Oh, you mean the elevator.’
‘No, I mean the lift.’ replied the Englishman.
‘I think I should know what it is called,’ said the American. ‘Elevators were
invented in the States.’
‘Perhaps,’ retorted the Englishman. ‘But we invented the language.‘
‘I’m very sorry to learn that your wife ran away with your driver,’ said the
friend to the old man.
‘Oh, don’t worry, I can drive.’
Ajudge looked severely at the defendant and asked, ‘How many times
have you been imprisoned?’
‘Nine, you Honour.’
‘Nine? In this case, I will give you the maximum sentence.’
‘Maximum sentence?’ said the defendant. ‘Don’t you give your regular clients
a discount’
One man to another. ‘I want to marry a smart woman, a good woman; a
woman who’ll make me happy.’
‘Make up your mind.’
The doctor had just finished giving the young man a thorough physical
examination.
‘The best thing for you to do,’ the doctor said, ‘is give up drinking and
smoking, get to bed early and stay away from women.’
‘Doctor, I don’t deserve the best,’ said the patient. ‘What’s next best?’
‘An old man gives good advice in order to console himself for no longer being able to set a bad
example. - Le Rochefoucauld
Arather inebriated fellow on a bus was tearing up a newspaper into tiny
pieces and throwing them out the window.
‘Excuse me,’ said the woman sitting next to him. ‘But, would you mind
explaining why you’re doing this?’
‘It scares away the elephants,’ replied the drunk.
‘But I don’t see any elephants around here,’ said the woman.
‘Effective, isn’t it?’ crowed the drunk.
The editor of a small weekly newspaper, annoyed at legislation that had
recently been passed, ran a scathing editorial under the headline: HALF OF
OUR LEGISLATORS ARE CROOKS. Many prominent local politicians were
outraged, and tremendous pressure was exerted on him to retract the statement.
He finally succumbed to the pressure and ran an apology with the headline:
HALF OF OUR LEGISLATORS ARE NOT CROOKS.
After they had brought their first baby home from hospital, a young wife
suggested to her husband that he try his hand at changing diapers, ‘I’m busy,’
he said. ‘I’ll do the next one.’
The next time the baby was wet, she asked if he was now ready to learn how
to change diapers. He looked puzzled. ‘Oh,’ he replied finally. ‘I didn’t mean
the next diaper. I meant the next baby!’
Staying at a small-town hotel, Tom ordered tea. Shortly afterwards, a girl
threw open the door. ‘Sugar in your tea?’ she shouted.
‘No, thank you,’ Tom replied.
‘Ah, well, don’t stir it then.’
The Duke of Gloucester, speaking at a luncheon in London: ‘A home accidents
survey which showed that ninety percent of accidents on staircases involved
either the top or the bottom step, was fed into a computer. Asked how
accidents could be reduced, the computer answered: “Remove the top and
bottom steps.’”
Asmall Indian boy appeared in the class of a London schoolteacher for the
first time and she asked him his name. ‘Venkataratnam Narasimha Rattaiah,’
he said. When she asked, ‘How do you spell it?’ he replied, ‘My mother helps
me.’
Ayoung soldier who was on a twenty four-hour pass went to a dance in
town and there met an attractive young woman. As they danced, he kept
making passes at her but without much result. Finally, he said, ‘Look
sweetheart, I really go for you in a big way. But I don’t have much time. I
have to be back in the morning. I’d sure like to speed like to speed things up
between us.’
‘But I am dancing as fast as I can,’ she protested wide-eyed.
Aman who had just died, arrived at heaven’s gate. Before allowing him
entry, St. Peter asked him if he’d ever loved a woman.
‘No,’ the man replied, ‘Not a single one.’
‘Did you have a friend you cared for?’
‘No.’
‘Perhaps you loved a pet? Did you not feel a love for nature?’
‘No.’
‘What took you so long to get here?’ asked a surprised St. Peter. ‘You’ve been
dead for ages.’
At the station, each lawyer bought a ticket whereas the engineers bought
only one ticket between them.
‘How are you going to travel on a single ticket?’ asked a lawyer.
‘Wait and watch,’ answered one of the engineers.
When they boarded the train, the lawyers took their seats, but the thre e
engineers crammed into a toilet and closed the door behind them. Shortly
after the train started, the ticket collector arrived. He knocked on the toilet
door and asked, ‘Ticket please.’ The door opened just a crack and a single
arm emerged with a ticket in hand. The ticket collector took it and moved
on. Seeing this, the lawyers decided to the same thing on the return trip.
So when they got to the station, they bought only one ticket. To their
astonishment, the engineers didn’t buy any. ‘How are you going to travel
without a ticket?’ asked one of the perplexed lawyers.
‘Wait and watch,’ answered an engineer.
In the train, the three engineers crammed into a toilet and the three lawyers
into another nearby. Soon after the train started, one of the engineers got out
of the toilet and walked to one where the lawyers were hiding.
He knocked on the door and said, ‘Ticket, please.’
Maid: What do you want, sir?
Visitor: I want to see your master.
Maid: What’s your business, please?
Visitor: There is a bill...
Maid: Ah! He left yesterday for his village...
Visitor: Which I have to pay him...
Maid: And he returned this morning.
Men who treat women as helpless and charming playthings deserve women
who treat men as delightful and generous bank accounts.
wqw
Aforeign tourist hired a guide to take him around Delhi and Agra. At the
Red Fort at Delhi, he admired the architecture and asked how many years it
took to build.
“Twenty years,” replied the guide.
‘You Indians are a lazy lot,” the tourist said. “In my country, this could have
been built in five.’
At Agra he admired the Taj’s beauty and asked how many years it took to
build.
‘Only ten years,’ said the guide.
The tourist retorted: ‘You Indians are slow! We can construct such buildings
in two-and-a-half.’
In this fashion the tourist claimed that every building he admired could have
been built in his country in quarter the time. Finally, when they reached the
Qutab Minar, and the tourist asked what it was, the guide replied: ‘I don’t
know. It wasn’t there yesterday evening.”
Overheard at the veterinarian’s: ‘I had my cat neutered. He’s still out all
night with the other cats, but now he’s a consultant.’
When an efficient secretary asked her boss for a raise in her salary, he
turned her down, saying: ‘Your salary is already higher than that of the
secretary at the next desk. And she has five children.’
‘Excuse me,’ the efficient woman replied, ‘I thought we got paid for what we
produce here—not for what we produce at home in our own time.’
Asmall farm boy was milking his cow when all of a sudden a bull came
charging towards him. As horrified workers nearby watched, the boy calmly
continued his milking.
To everyone’s astonishment, the bull stopped a few inches from the boy,
turned around and walked away . ‘Weren’t you afraid?’ one of the workers
asked the boy.
‘Not at all,’ the boy replied , ‘I knew this cow was his mother-in-law.’
Apatient complains to a famous psychologist: ‘Professor, I’ve been having
terrible obsessions for years, and no one has ever been able to help me.’
‘Who’s been treating you until now?’
‘Dr Lal Rathor.‘
‘I see. He’s an idiot. I’m curious to know what he advised you to do.’
‘To come and see you.’
Overheard: I can say one good thing about airline food: at least they’re
considerate enough to give you only small portions.
Two terrorists were driving to the location where they intended to plant a
bomb, which one of them had in his lap.
‘Drive a little faster, the bomb may go off any minute,’ said the man carrying
the explosive.
‘Don’t worry,’ the driver assured him, ‘we have got a spare one in the boot.’
Boy to mother: I’ve decided to stop studying.’
‘How come?’ asked the mother.
‘I heard that that someone was shot dead, because he knew too much.’
For their first anniversary, a man bought his young wife a cell phone. She
was thrilled and listened eagerly as he explained all its features. The next
day she was out shopping when the phone rang.
‘Hey, darling,’ he husband said. ‘How do you like your new phone?’
‘Oh, I just love it!’ she gushed. ‘It’s so cute and small—and your voice sounds
so clear. But there’s just one thing I don’t understand.’
‘What’s that?’
‘How did you know I was at the sari shop?’
Husband and wife were in the midst of a violent quarrel, and hubby was
losing his temper. ‘Be careful,’ he said to his wife. ‘You’ll bring out the beast
in me.’
‘So what?’ his wife shot back. ‘Who’s afraid of a mouse?’
Aman was driving well above the speed limit when a police car suddenly
emerged from behind, sirens blaring. Thinking he’d outpace the cop, the
man pushed his accelerator to the floor. His car’s speed rose to sixty, then
seventy, eighty, and ninety. Finally, the man thought, what the heck, and
pulled over, ready to receive a speeding ticket.
The police officer got out, leaned over the man and said: ‘Listen, Mister, I
have had a really lousy day, and I just want to go home. Give me a good
excuse and I’ll let you go.’
The man thought for a moment and said: ‘Three weeks ago my wife ran off
with a police officer. When I saw your car in my mirror, I thought you were
that officer and were trying to give her back to me.’
No ticket.
Late one night, a mugger wearing a ski mask jumped into the path of a
well-dressed man and stuck a gun in his ribs. ‘Give me your money,’ he
demanded.
Indignant, the affluent man replied, ‘You can’t do this—I’m a politician!’
‘In that case,’ replied the robber, ‘give me my money!’
An American visiting England walked into a hotel lobby. ‘The lift will be
down presently,’ the receptionist told him.
‘The lift?’ said the American. ‘Oh, you mean the elevator.’
‘No, I mean the lift.’ replied the Englishman.
‘I think I should know what it is called,’ said the American. ‘Elevators were
invented in the States.’
‘Perhaps,’ retorted the Englishman. ‘But we invented the language.‘
‘I’m very sorry to learn that your wife ran away with your driver,’ said the
friend to the old man.
‘Oh, don’t worry, I can drive.’
Ajudge looked severely at the defendant and asked, ‘How many times
have you been imprisoned?’
‘Nine, you Honour.’
‘Nine? In this case, I will give you the maximum sentence.’
‘Maximum sentence?’ said the defendant. ‘Don’t you give your regular clients
a discount’
One man to another. ‘I want to marry a smart woman, a good woman; a
woman who’ll make me happy.’
‘Make up your mind.’
The doctor had just finished giving the young man a thorough physical
examination.
‘The best thing for you to do,’ the doctor said, ‘is give up drinking and
smoking, get to bed early and stay away from women.’
‘Doctor, I don’t deserve the best,’ said the patient. ‘What’s next best?’
‘An old man gives good advice in order to console himself for no longer being able to set a bad
example. - Le Rochefoucauld
Arather inebriated fellow on a bus was tearing up a newspaper into tiny
pieces and throwing them out the window.
‘Excuse me,’ said the woman sitting next to him. ‘But, would you mind
explaining why you’re doing this?’
‘It scares away the elephants,’ replied the drunk.
‘But I don’t see any elephants around here,’ said the woman.
‘Effective, isn’t it?’ crowed the drunk.
The editor of a small weekly newspaper, annoyed at legislation that had
recently been passed, ran a scathing editorial under the headline: HALF OF
OUR LEGISLATORS ARE CROOKS. Many prominent local politicians were
outraged, and tremendous pressure was exerted on him to retract the statement.
He finally succumbed to the pressure and ran an apology with the headline:
HALF OF OUR LEGISLATORS ARE NOT CROOKS.
After they had brought their first baby home from hospital, a young wife
suggested to her husband that he try his hand at changing diapers, ‘I’m busy,’
he said. ‘I’ll do the next one.’
The next time the baby was wet, she asked if he was now ready to learn how
to change diapers. He looked puzzled. ‘Oh,’ he replied finally. ‘I didn’t mean
the next diaper. I meant the next baby!’
Staying at a small-town hotel, Tom ordered tea. Shortly afterwards, a girl
threw open the door. ‘Sugar in your tea?’ she shouted.
‘No, thank you,’ Tom replied.
‘Ah, well, don’t stir it then.’
The Duke of Gloucester, speaking at a luncheon in London: ‘A home accidents
survey which showed that ninety percent of accidents on staircases involved
either the top or the bottom step, was fed into a computer. Asked how
accidents could be reduced, the computer answered: “Remove the top and
bottom steps.’”
Asmall Indian boy appeared in the class of a London schoolteacher for the
first time and she asked him his name. ‘Venkataratnam Narasimha Rattaiah,’
he said. When she asked, ‘How do you spell it?’ he replied, ‘My mother helps
me.’
Ayoung soldier who was on a twenty four-hour pass went to a dance in
town and there met an attractive young woman. As they danced, he kept
making passes at her but without much result. Finally, he said, ‘Look
sweetheart, I really go for you in a big way. But I don’t have much time. I
have to be back in the morning. I’d sure like to speed like to speed things up
between us.’
‘But I am dancing as fast as I can,’ she protested wide-eyed.
Aman who had just died, arrived at heaven’s gate. Before allowing him
entry, St. Peter asked him if he’d ever loved a woman.
‘No,’ the man replied, ‘Not a single one.’
‘Did you have a friend you cared for?’
‘No.’
‘Perhaps you loved a pet? Did you not feel a love for nature?’
‘No.’
‘What took you so long to get here?’ asked a surprised St. Peter. ‘You’ve been
dead for ages.’
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